Peri-menopause. It’s not just for the over 50 ladies anymore. Sorry, guys, this is not a sexist thing, but a biological thing. Then again, if you wish to continue reading, you might be better prepared when it happens to the women in your life.  It could help you, and them, survive!

Growing up, sex education was about puberty and physical changes and the biology of reproduction.  What most parents and educators don’t teach is what happens in the twilight of the reproductive years. No one talks about the specifics of menopause and the  biological sunset on functionality of the baby-factory. It’s euphemistically referred to in a whisper as ‘The Change’. We’re told in a less than two minute speech that a woman will stop releasing eggs and her period will go away somewhere in her late 40’s or early 50’s. Of course, 40something is old to a teenager, and they scoff that this dribble of information could ever apply to them. By the way, 40 is not old now that I’m here.

I wished I had been provided more detailed, practical information. Oh sure, I may not have believed anyone back then, but some details surely would have stuck around in my brain.  Perhaps the information gleaned long ago, tucked far away in a dusty, unused corner of my mind might have resurfaced so that I wasn’t so shocked when my ObGyn told me I was peri-menopausal. Trust me, I needed a stiff drink after that diagnosis.

My peri-menopausal era was jump started by failed fertility attempts. The Hubs and I knew that was a risk, but it was one we were willing to take if it meant that we could conceive. It was pretty much a cavalier decision. I was decades away from menopause, surely.  For what it’s worth, the fertility treatments didn’t work either, so I feel a little bit like I got shafted on this deal. I’m 45, but my symptoms started around 41 or 42. Only, I had no clue what was going on at the time. These days, women are experiencing these symptoms earlier, too. Or at least we are recognizing them sooner.

What I wish I had known about peri-menopause before I reached this stage of life:

• Mood swings. Oh my God. Mood swings. Remember when you were out of control as a teenager? Everything made you cry? You got angry at the drop of a hat? Yeah. Multiply that by about a thousand. Sappy, Hallmark-esque commercial plays on TV and The Hubs asks me if I need a tissue. I’m crying at a damned commercial! Did he forget to run the dishwasher even though I asked him to? Before peri-menopause, that was no big deal, I’d shrug it off and do it myself. Now? It is the end of the world. Even worse, as I stand there yelling over something so completely trivial, I know I’m being ridiculous. But somehow, I cannot stop.

• Losing your mind. This goes hand in hand with the mood swings. You know you’re being irrational, yet you are powerless to stop it. You will also start to think you have Alzheimer’s. Hopefully, you don’t. Most likely, it’s those pesky hormones again, interfering with your brain’s ability to access the data stored up there. Write stuff down. I keep lists. It’s just so much easier. Now, if I could just remember where I put my lists!

• Exhaustion. Did your get up and go, get up and, well, go? Tired to the bone but can’t fall asleep at night? Do you try to catch a nap for 20 minutes in a bathroom stall at work? Or even worse, on a conference call? Yup. Welcome to sleep disruption. Your hormones, they are a-changin’ and yes, they control your sleep patterns, too. Avoid caffeine after 3pm if at all possible. I realize what a sacrifice that is, but it does help. I promise. Yawn.

• Drink water. You will be surprised how quickly you become dehydrated. Water is your friend. It helps with the mood swings, the exhaustion, the weight gain (I’ll get to that) and even wrinkles. The more hydrated you are, the longer you hold the wrinkles at bay. That alone should spur you to drink more water.

• Weight gain. Even if you eat right, exercise regularly and lead a healthy life style, expect some weight gain. And not in your boobs, where it would be nice to have them look a little fuller. Nope. It all goes to your hips, ass and thighs and not in a Kardashian/Beyonce way. Sorry.

• Sense of smell. If you thought pregnancy nausea and smell aversion was a blast, then you’re in for a real treat! Again, this is all brought on by changing hormones. Devious little bastards!

• Smell. Not your sense of smell, but what you smell like. I’m just going to say that the smell of your sweat changes, and not in a good way. Think old-lady sour smell. Well now you know where it comes from. I’ll be in the shower, if you need me.

• Hot Flashes and Night Sweats. Hot flashes are like standing in front of a thousand degree oven while dressed in your warmest ski clothes and there is no warning. Nothing tells you one is coming on. It’s really fun when you’re standing in front of a group of colleagues with sweat pouring down your face for no reason. Night sweats are hot flashes that happen at night. Sometimes, you can sleep through them. Sometimes they wake you up, make you throw off the covers and turn on the A/C even though it’s 17 degrees outside in the dead of winter. I can only say as a curly-haired girl that I know I’ve had at least one night sweat since I go to bed with nice, wavy curls and wake up looking like I’ve had a bad 80’s spiral perm.

• Zits. Yes, you guessed it, with puberty reversing and hormones going crazy, you get more zits. It’s really not fair. I mean, after the age of 35, you should not be subjected to this kind of torture anymore. It’s totally cruel.

• Hair. Your beautiful mane starts to thin. There’s a good reason so many older women wear their hair short. And why there are so many beauty blogs about short hair styles for older women. Ugh! But good news! You’ll see it appear on your face and chin in quantities that are unflattering and vexing. Waxing, electrolysis, plucking will be needed on a more frequent basis. Some women even shave. Yes, it does get that bad. No, I do not shave. But more than once, I have entertained the idea of running away to the circus to appear as the Bearded Lady. It would be easier than keeping up with this hirsute issue.

• Your period. Oh, it’s not gone yet. Not totally. But it’s like when you were a teenager and first got it—unpredictable and a pain. Do yourself a favor and give up white pants until you’ve been period-free for 12 months. The medical definition of menopause is no menstruation for 12 months in a row. Chances of it coming back after that are slim to none. Honestly, I’m kind of looking forward to this aspect. Also, if you were fertile once upon a time, you might want to stick with birth control until you’ve been period-free for 12 months. The body does this amazing thing of giving you one last hurrah for a baby.  Of course, if you’d be happy to be up all night feeding a baby, changing diapers and chasing them around at this point in your life, I’m not going to judge. I’m just going to refer you back to the bullet point on Sleep. Me? The only diaper I want to change in the middle of the night anymore is mine. Which leads us too…

• Incontinence. Sure, you giggled if your mother peed a little when she sneezed or laughed. That’s your fault, by the way. It’s payback time. And if you’ve given birth, well, it will most likely happen to you, too. Do your kegel exercises! Fortunately, incontinence is no longer the shameful thing it once was. They make all kinds of products that will help you not embarrass yourself should you laugh or sneeze. The upside to this, if you wear what I affectionately refer to as a “piddle pad”, is that you’re less likely to have a period accident. All of life’s a trade off!

• Sex and your libido. Comedian Jeff Foxworthy joked that when you’re young and have a choice between sleep or sex, you pick sex every time. When you’re old, you pick sleep and pray you have a dream about sex. It’s not quite that dire, but it does change things a bit. Talk to your doctor about these changes.  All kidding aside, this can be the most uncomfortable aspect and there are treatments that can help ease this discomfort. It also is the aspect that affects your partner the most, so out of love for them, because they haven’t killed you yet for your irrational mood swings, talk to your doctor!

• Osteoporosis/Osteoarthritis. While these two things aren’t really related, I’m lumping them together. I have osteoarthritis in my right knee. Apparently, while its onset was caused by an injury, the continued decline of the cartilage in that knee is, you guessed it, hormone related. And by the time you reach menopause, it’s almost too late to undo the effects of the other bone issue, osteoporosis. Fortunately, because the women in my family had a history of this (dowagers humps, etc), I’ve been a big milk drinker all my life. The hope is that my calcium intake has lessened my chances of developing it. Milk. It does a body good!

This isn’t everything and by no means am I a medical expert. These are just the symptoms that I’ve experienced on some level and wish I had been better prepared for. So, if this list sounds familiar, go see your doctor. I resisted Hormone Replacement Therapy because I was set on the idea that the body is designed to shut down as we reach a certain age. And while that is true, we are living longer, fuller lives. Why be miserable? HRT has come a long way since our grandmothers dealt with it. There’s no shame in growing older. Just do it as gracefully as you can. And if you need me, you can find me on the couch, fanning myself while dabbing my eyes as I nod off during a sappy commercial about incontinence.