Conspicuously absent from the Ten Commandments is any obligation of parent to child. We must suppose that God felt it unnecessary to command by law what He had ensured by love. ~Robert Brault
When Matt and I decided to expand our family and add a two legged kiddo to the zoo of bulldogs, we had no idea the path we had started down. After an unsuccessful pregnancy that ended at 18 weeks and much heartache following, we decided to try again, so certain were we that we wanted to be parents. Despite surgeries, fertility treatments and lots of prayers, in July of 2011 I’d had enough of being a science experiment and said, “No more, I’m done!” Matt agreed. We’ve always been in sync on these things and so we agreed to take the rest of the year off and just be. The plan was January 1, 2012 to complete the adoption application and get this journey started. Sounded like such a neat plan – new year, new start to a family. How naïve of us!
We did sit down on January 1st and download the necessary forms from the Arrow.org website. Arrow is a Christian based adoption agency based here in Texas. They do marvelous work and have a wonderful reputation in the foster and adoption community. And it is a community. Our good friend, Mike Guevara, had recommended Arrow to us. He’s worked with them on adoptions and had great things to say. We were convinced and started to fill out the forms that winter morning. Two hours later, I threw my hands in the air and said, “Ok. I’m done for now. This is just too overwhelming!”
If you think that adoption is a Disney flick with a happy ending, let me remind you of some key points in Disney movies: Bambi’s mom gets shot in front of him; Nemo’s mom dies and he gets lost; Buzz loses an arm, albeit temporarily, and almost his best friend, Woody; Cinderella is an orphan with a wicked stepmother; Mufasa dies and Simba thinks it’s his fault; Snow White’s stepmother sends a woodsman to cut out her heart and then tries to poison her. Oh yes, they all end happily enough, but the journey to that happy ending is bumpy and rough. So is adoption. Hmm, maybe it is like a Disney flick after all!
Off and on, here and there, I would sit down for 10 minutes at a time and gather the necessary documentation we needed to file our application. And about 10 minutes later, I’d be right back to that overwhelmed feeling and quit. I finally realized that completing the paperwork symbolized to me that we were never going to have a biological child.
About mid-July, before our 7th wedding anniversary, Matt and I had a heart to heart and I let go of the biological child dream and was ready to move forward. As they say in Meet the Robinsons, “Keep moving forward!” (Yes, another Disney reference). After all, as our good friend, Leslie, put it, we love our dogs as if they were our children and we aren’t even the same species, so surely we can give that kind of love to a child who doesn’t share our DNA! She’s right. And sometimes, the dogs test us as much as a child –bio or adopted – would!
We still felt a bit lost about the whole process, so Matt called Arrow and talked to one of their Ambassadors. We had to take classes, get inspections and pass a background check. The first piece, the classwork, seemed like something we could do with no problem. In July, we went to Orientation then completed the remaining 35 hours of classes in August. Some of these classes are state-mandated, others are required by Arrow so that you can be the best family to these children.
Once you learn how traumatized these kiddos are, you realize just how much these classes will help you to be what these kids need you to be. Imagine living in a home where you’re physically or sexually abused, or neglected, exposed to all sorts of bad behaviors. You’re never sure if you’re going to get hit, or molested, or when you might get food again. Nothing you are experiencing meets your basic needs, and definitely not the emotional and developmental needs of a child. Then, one day, you’re ripped out of that familiar yet unhealthy environment and put into a home where you don’t have your things, you don’t know anyone and nothing is familiar. How would you feel? Three times a week in August, we sat through classes that would teach us how to deal with a traumatized child. I will say that completing these classes in one month definitely provided insight into one aspect of parenting. You know the one, where you have no time to yourself, let alone to do anything you need to get done and you’re always exhausted? If that was the only requirement, then we’d be perfectly ready!
That was August. Now it’s September. We have to finish and file our application which we are almost done with. Then comes a fire inspection, a health inspection (if we don’t pass that, I may wind up in a funny farm!), fingerprints and background checks, have a home study, and get TB tests. Believe me when I tell you that is the simplified version of all that we need to do. There is a ton of prep work that goes in to all that, but I’ll spare you the details that have led me to tears. Repeatedly.
Spiritually, we’ve had to prepare as well. We’ve examined our hearts and prayed a lot through this process. And we’ve had to change our minds about what we really want and what we are willing to take on. Originally, Matt and I said we wanted just one, a baby and make it a boy. That was in January. Now, the prayers are more along the lines of, “God, if we get through the licensing process, with your help of course, we’re open to what you have in mind for us. But please, begging for mercy here, no more than two and at least let one of them be a boy!” We’ve also changed our minds about age and would prefer a 5-12 year old. Again, we’ve put this in God’s hands and know that He has the right situation in mind for us.
Once we file the application, we’ll be off and running full steam ahead. Hopefully, the process won’t be too long. The Arrow Team has prepared us to expect a bumpy road. We’re very glad that they, along with all of you, are with us on this journey!
The Stark Truth 